I am now in my fourth year of my PhD program in Amsterdam. Time flies! With the two years of working towards a PhD in Berkeley, that gives me 5+ years of grad school and quite a lot of stress and anxiety, and I want to share some aspects of it with you today. First, a clarification: I am working through some stuff now, but in general, I am actually quite hopeful!
I often feel like my life and academic experience is different from the people around me. Of course, everybody is unique and we don’t all do exactly the same things, but I think most people in Academia would agree what the “typical” or “average” (and in reality non-existent) trajectory is. We all understand that there isn’t one “correct” way of doing things, but without actively questioning our assumptions, we would probably paint exactly the same picture. Let’s call the imaginary person that has the average experience “Everyone Else”.
When I started doing math, I was still an athlete. I had to run to my trainings from my lectures, shower and eat quickly just to make it back, and kept at it for a few years. I was lucky to have received a lot of mentoring early on, so in my classes I was a bit more advanced than others, got to travel to summer schools early on and was exposed to wonderful math. So I did things Everyone Else didn’t get to do that much. When I got to Berkeley, I had already done a masters degree, and again had slightly different needs and expectations from Everyone Else. This sounds like by now, I should be used to being slightly different. But I still have to work with it. I am still often comparing myself with whatever Everyone Else is doing, and find it hard to focus on the things that are good for me instead.
This summer, I attended an amazing 3-week grad student summer school. I loved being there, learned so much, worked really hard, made many meaningful mathematical and human connections. But, I was also a TA for one of the courses – again, a bit different from Everyone Else. Of course, I ignored what that meant, the extra work, the extra mental load, and tried doing as many things as Everyone Else. Instead of taking a break, I was still answering questions and trying to help others learn. I loved doing it, but even at the time, I did recognize that it came at a cost. I ignored it, because I did not let myself be different from Everyone Else, did not admit that my work that week most mostly my TAing, and that I did not actually have to attend all the other things – but Everyone Else went to everything, so I tried to do the same.
Moreover, I am very lucky to work in a field – isogenies – that is so beautiful that many people want to talk about it. So that’s what we did. We set up extra meetings to talk math. But, rather than skipping one exercise session on a topic perhaps not interesting to most isogenistas, we did it in the… evenings, after a full day of math. I liked these meetings because I enjoyed the people and the math we did together. But, as my friends rightly pointed out, we were crazy to do it on our Friday nights. And, honestly, I went because it was the “one isogeny thing” that I did not want to miss, and also Everyone Else went!
I am now at home, and my life has been incredibly stressful in the last few weeks. Quite a rollercoaster ride, but I’m almost at the end of it. On top of that, I am still recovering from the mental damage the covid years have caused, I worry about the war in Ukraine, I was exhausted from the summer travel (it was very much worth it, but traveling isn’t instantaneous, and I was working hard during that time). But, when I look around me, I see Everyone Else is already back in the office and working hard and doesn’t seem to be affected by the same things… Wish me luck with focusing on what I need to do for myself, and let Everyone Else do their own thing!
