this has been some long time. I've moved to Berkeley in the meantime, I'm almost done with the first semester, basically, two more weeks to go, a few more homework sets to finish and a project paper, but that's it. It has been a semester full of things happening, full of emotions, full of frustration, full of stress...
To explain the title, apparently, Paris is so hyped up in Japan that sometimes, when Japanese tourists come to Paris and discover that the city is not just a romantic, beautiful experience, the culture shock kicks in really bad. Suddenly they're in a place the language of which they don't understand, the locals are not particularly excited about yet another tourist, it's a big city full of people, dirty and unpleasant in its own way... Some people just lose it and have to be sent back to Japan, where the symptoms gradually go away. It's a first-world problem and it is a fascinating read...
So yeah, the culture shock has been pretty bad, given that I had a perfect life in Leiden: living a quiet small life full of maths, biking around in the fields, cooking, and baking... Now I am in a very hyped-up (Bay) area, in a community of hard-working, success-oriented, incredibly smart and ambitious people. Berkeley is a big bubble, around the university it's difficult to see someone who's not an undergrad, let alone outside of the university (actually, maybe I am adjusting well, looking down on undergrads ;) sorry!). I'm living in conditions that are very suboptimal for me, I am definitely not satisfied with my I-House experience, and though I am grateful to all the donors whose generosity helps make living at I-House an excellent experience for many people, I do not think the environment is a very fostering one for me. It's just not for everybody.
Math-wise it's been a bit of a misfit, too, I am still trying to find a topic for me, I tried learning a few new things, had a few shots at algebraic geometry again, but so far it's not working that well for me. But I did get very excited about Iwasawa theory, so I am looking forward to the Arizona Winter school already (even though that's in some 3.5 months). There is still maths that I love, maths that makes me happy. However, being burnt out the way I am, it's not easy to keep studying. There are days that I can do it, there are days I do just a little, but there are days in which even a bit costs me too much energy that I just can't do it anymore. But I'm learning to deal with that, slowly, too.
Having many people around me who are always studying, always doing great things, getting so much done, being so excited about being at Berkeley, that is perhaps the hardest part of it all. I tend to simply shut down and as a result, I can't do much, not even the little bit that I was hoping I could get done. So yeah, if you feel like you're not doing enough, just look at me, you are still doing much more. And I am still fine. I am slowly getting my stuff done, I'm slowly getting where I want to be. And all of this is improving. These three months have been big and challenging, but I have come a long way since the intial shock of moving here. I've had a lot of help from many of my friends and I am also grateful for the unwavering support of the man dearest to my heart, who's gone through a lot of very bad days with me and without whom I would have gone back home already.
But otherwise, the Bay area is fun. And I love driving around. And I love being away from Berkeley. Finally not hearing the city, finally not hearing all these millions of fire trucks and ambulances always driving around. The sunsets are unbelievable, the campus is nice to just walk through, it's not all that bad. I also like American coffee and burgers and so at least I can feed myself here.
Also, what really helped me and made a big difference is that I decided to start training again, this time it's not just me, I'm being Totally Athletically Conditioned by Mark Jellison (TAC is a class in our sports center) and we're also doing really awesome gyms together. It's been some two weeks now and I still like it. I think my body is responding quite well to this training and all these newly found endorphins are doing miracles for my mind as well. So I think I have finally found some sustainable exercise regime for myself and if life goes well, I should do some races in the Spring. So wish me luck and persistence :)
Anyway, I hope to be checking in more often now. I think I am over the worst part of it and though there are still some pretty tough decisions left to make, I think I am back in control of my life.
So yeah, the culture shock has been pretty bad, given that I had a perfect life in Leiden: living a quiet small life full of maths, biking around in the fields, cooking, and baking... Now I am in a very hyped-up (Bay) area, in a community of hard-working, success-oriented, incredibly smart and ambitious people. Berkeley is a big bubble, around the university it's difficult to see someone who's not an undergrad, let alone outside of the university (actually, maybe I am adjusting well, looking down on undergrads ;) sorry!). I'm living in conditions that are very suboptimal for me, I am definitely not satisfied with my I-House experience, and though I am grateful to all the donors whose generosity helps make living at I-House an excellent experience for many people, I do not think the environment is a very fostering one for me. It's just not for everybody.
Math-wise it's been a bit of a misfit, too, I am still trying to find a topic for me, I tried learning a few new things, had a few shots at algebraic geometry again, but so far it's not working that well for me. But I did get very excited about Iwasawa theory, so I am looking forward to the Arizona Winter school already (even though that's in some 3.5 months). There is still maths that I love, maths that makes me happy. However, being burnt out the way I am, it's not easy to keep studying. There are days that I can do it, there are days I do just a little, but there are days in which even a bit costs me too much energy that I just can't do it anymore. But I'm learning to deal with that, slowly, too.
Having many people around me who are always studying, always doing great things, getting so much done, being so excited about being at Berkeley, that is perhaps the hardest part of it all. I tend to simply shut down and as a result, I can't do much, not even the little bit that I was hoping I could get done. So yeah, if you feel like you're not doing enough, just look at me, you are still doing much more. And I am still fine. I am slowly getting my stuff done, I'm slowly getting where I want to be. And all of this is improving. These three months have been big and challenging, but I have come a long way since the intial shock of moving here. I've had a lot of help from many of my friends and I am also grateful for the unwavering support of the man dearest to my heart, who's gone through a lot of very bad days with me and without whom I would have gone back home already.
But otherwise, the Bay area is fun. And I love driving around. And I love being away from Berkeley. Finally not hearing the city, finally not hearing all these millions of fire trucks and ambulances always driving around. The sunsets are unbelievable, the campus is nice to just walk through, it's not all that bad. I also like American coffee and burgers and so at least I can feed myself here.
Also, what really helped me and made a big difference is that I decided to start training again, this time it's not just me, I'm being Totally Athletically Conditioned by Mark Jellison (TAC is a class in our sports center) and we're also doing really awesome gyms together. It's been some two weeks now and I still like it. I think my body is responding quite well to this training and all these newly found endorphins are doing miracles for my mind as well. So I think I have finally found some sustainable exercise regime for myself and if life goes well, I should do some races in the Spring. So wish me luck and persistence :)
Anyway, I hope to be checking in more often now. I think I am over the worst part of it and though there are still some pretty tough decisions left to make, I think I am back in control of my life.
 |
| The sunset, the Bridge in the distance, the City... |
Žádné komentáře:
Okomentovat